Fidelity and Intimacy in Marriage

Quite often as members of the church, sexual intimacy is seen as a bad thing.  Frequently, we are taught that any sexual feelings are bad and should be blotted out or suppressed.  This can lead to problems in marriage because of differences in beliefs as to what a sexual relationship between husband and wife should be.  Because of this, there are two very important things we need to understand.  The first being that it is important to have a sexual relationship during marriage and sex is not just for procreation but also for expressing love.  Second, we need to be able to teach our children, when the time comes, the true nature of sexual relationships between a husband and wife.

Recently, in a religion class that my wife and I both took at the same time, the topic of sexual intimacy in marriage was brought up, and during the discussion, one person shared their experiences leading up to their marriage.  She said that she was taught all her life that sex was bad and because of that, the topic became taboo.  Then before her wedding, she had a bachelorette party and all of a sudden the topic of sex became the center for the whole evening.  It caught her really off guard and was quite a jarring experience because she was expected to change her mindset from "something taboo" to "encouraged."  

The common misconception among couples that sex should only be used for procreation could possibly stem from a poor education about the topic or the way it is treated in the homes during the younger years of most couples who are members of the church.  President Spencer W. Kimball taught that "It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”[1]  Treating sexuality properly in our homes will help us see an increase of happiness in our marriages, and that our children will be better prepared for when they get married.

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[1] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Seeking to Understand

My wife and I are very different people.  We both are college students at the moment, but both of us are studying completely different topics.  I am currently studying computer engineering and my wife is studying music with an emphasis on the violin, the instrument she plays.  My wife isn't very technical and almost always I am the one who has to fix the tv or computer or whatever.  I did take piano lessons when I was younger but that is where my musical talents end.  We don't have any classes together except the occasional elective that we both decide we want to take, and whenever we are home and talk about our classwork, the other person is usually clueless.  Being so different in hobbies and fields of interest might seem like it can cause a lot of problems in communicating because of how different we are, but we have been able to learn to communicate by seeking to understand one another.

Mutual understanding is a very important part of any relationship.  Knowing what your spouse's goals and desires are can provide insight into knowing why they want to do certain activities instead of others.  Also, not knowing your spouse's goals can lead to gridlock, which Dr. John Gottman describes as being unable to "accommodate these perpetual disagreements." [1]  These gridlocks can lead to big arguments that can threaten the marriage.

Another important step to being able to understand our spouse is to have charity.  We are humans.  We make mistakes that can cause us or our loved ones harm.  Charity helps us look past those mistakes and sins and see our spouses as our Heavenly Father sees them, with perfect love.  Peter the Apostle described this when he said: "for charity shall cover a multitude of sins."[2]  This does not mean we should allow ourselves to be in abusive situations, but that with charity we can see past the worldly mistakes that everyone makes and be able to truly understand our spouses.  This will help us resolve any gridlock that may arise, and help us to have happier marriages, no matter the situation.

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[1] John M. Gottman, PH.D., The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 236

[2] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/1-pet/4.8?lang=eng&clang=eng#p7

Managing Conflict

In today's world marriage is seen just as an agreement between two people.  Both of these two people have their own priorities and goals.  Because they aren't focused on each other, but only on themselves, they tend to only put in "their half" of the relationship.  They worry about making sure that they are comfortable but tend to only focus on themselves.  This kind of marriage tends to have conflicts because each spouse is committed only to themselves.  They will help their spouse and will work on chores, but once they have reached what they think to be their part of the work, they will begin to complain and not want to help anymore because it is "not their responsibility."  Elder Bruce C. Hafen describes this type of marriage as a "contractual marriage."  He also describes a different kind of marriage where spouses focus more on each other, rather than themselves.  He calls this a "covenant marriage."  He also states that "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."[1]  
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we also know of another commandment in which we give 100 percent.  That commandment is the Law of Consecration.  When we consecrate ourselves, we dedicate our time, talents, and all that we have to building up the church.  Learning to practice consecration in our marriages is what differentiates our marriage as a contractual one or a covenant one.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard also said "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration."[2]
When my wife and I first got married, we both had to adjust to married life.  We both are still in school, but before we got married we both were living in men's and women's apartments off-campus.  One of the many pleasures of roommates is how great they are at cleaning up after themselves, especially in the kitchen.  I definitely don't miss the days where someone would just leave all their dishes in the sink and before you know it, all the plates in the apartment are in the sink.  So usually you just do your own dishes and call it good because the rest aren't your responsibility.  After our marriage, we both had to change our mindset from "taking care of my own dishes" to "washing all of our dishes."  It wasn't a super hard change, but it definitely had its moments where I forgot to focus on us instead of just me.  When I did give it my all though, I was able to see improvements in my own happiness and in the happiness of my spouse.  Being part of a covenant marriage where you both are consecrating everything to the marriage makes the difference in everyday things because you both are completely committed to the marriage.

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[1] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

[2] Dr H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg 103.

Beware of pride

As humans, we have a tendency to put ourselves above everyone else.  Whether that be, what I'm doing is more important, what I need is more important, or just plain old I'm better than them.  Attitudes like that are all around us, it is visible in the workspace when people take advantage of their coworkers.  It is especially visible while driving when someone drives down the shoulder to pass people because they need to get somewhere faster than anyone else.  It is also present at home and in marriages all over the world.  Sometimes it is obvious, like when one spouse is controlling, and other times it is not as obvious, like when one spouse doesn't help with the dishes because he or she doesn't have the time to help.  If not taken care of, pride can destroy any marriage.  
One way that we can try to overcome pride in our marriage is by putting the needs of our spouse above our own.  As we focus on them, and less on ourselves, our marriage will improve.   Dr. Goddard wrote in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."[1]  At first glance, this statement sounds contradictory to what I said right before because we need to focus on our spouse and not ourselves.  I think that the two statements are complimentary, because as we repent of our pride and work to make ourselves better we are actually working to improve our marriage and in turn, focusing on our spouses’ happiness.
Another important way to get rid of pride in our marriage is to realize that neither person in the marriage is perfect and that we both can help each other to improve and become better because of the different strengths each spouse has.  I know that since getting married, my spouse has helped me become a better person.  Soon after we got married, I noticed that I was getting all of my homework done much sooner and had a lot more free time because of it.  Before I got married, I would procrastinate my homework, and then cram it all in right before it was due.  My wife is very organized and really focuses on getting her homework done way before it is due usually.  She has helped me become more organized and productive than I ever was before getting married.  Marriage is all about that give and take of helping each other grow, and if one spouse has too much pride, then that cannot happen and the marriage will have serious problems.  
May we all try to get rid of pride in our lives.  As President Ezra Taft Benson said, "The antidote for pride is humility"[2]

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[1] Dr H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg 69.

[2] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Staying Emotionally Connected

One of the great ironies about the world that we currently live in is that so many people get married to the love of their lives, and commit to supporting them, but after some time being married they begin to turn away from each other, and eventually the person they loved most has become the person they avoid most and try to spend the least amount of time with.  Marriage can be tough, but that is just part of living with someone else.  That is why it is so important to be emotionally connected with your spouse.

An emotional connection means that you are aware and familiar with what your spouse has going on in there life currently, what their goals are, and what their beliefs are.  Dr. John Gottman said “A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust”[1]  He also recommends one way of improving your emotional connection to your spouse in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work called an emotional bank account[2].  Keep track of all the times your spouse tries to connect with you, such as cooking together, shopping together, or listening to music together.  They all give plenty of opportunities to talk and spend time with your spouse which helps connect you emotionally with your spouse.

My wife and I are both still college students and sometimes our schedules can get busy, but we always try to make time for each other.  My wife is a music major, and because of this is frequently busy with rehearsals and concerts.  I study computer engineering and frequently have to spend time working on projects on campus.  We both try to stay up to date with what is going on in each other's life by doing stuff together whenever we can, and sometimes that just means sitting on the couch together while we do homework.  It still helps just being together for us to feel more emotionally connected.  Another thing that helps is when we turn to each other instead of away when we are faced with trials.  We turn inwards by trying to focus on each other rather than ourselves, for example, sometimes I finish my homework before my wife, and I know something needs to get done before she can relax, like the dishes getting done, I try to do it.  Or if I'm busy working, my wife might prepare dinner when I get home.  Now, this doesn't always happen, but when it does, we feel more grateful for, and more connected to each other because we are trying to ease the other person's burdens.  We feel like it is helping us achieve what is written in D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."[3]

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[1] John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 88

[2] John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 94

[3] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/64?lang=eng